SATIRE by Dr Sahib M Bleher

[xmasdale]

Satire: Will the moderate Muslim please stand up
Posted: 07/22
From: Mathaba

by Dr Sahib M Bleher

[the characters in this story are entirely fictional and any resemblance with real persons is entirely accidental]

It was late in the evening when the Christian prime minister of the Divided Queendom of Perfidious Isles asked his Jewish foreign secretary to stay behind to discuss Muslim extremism with him and the atheist chief of police. “I want you to think hard”, he said, “how we can moderate Islam”. Publishing an authorised English edition of the “Koran” was not an option – these Muslims naively believed that it was authored by God who only spoke Arabic. He told his interlocutors that the Christian president of the United Snakes had been unequivocal in his approach: “You must scare them into submission!” Their gathering took them well into the night, but a plan finally emerged.

It had not been possible in the past to get the Christian Churches to take responsibility for the Catholic bombing in London’s financial district, nor the Jewish Board of Deputies for the kidnapping of a nuclear scientist, but before setting out for the meeting of the Christian and Jewish heads of state of the richer countries of the world the Christian prime minister had no doubt that the Muslim “Muslim Council of Perfidy” (MCP) would feel obliged to distance themselves from Muslim terrorists. The Jewish, Atheist and Christian media had done a good job to ensure that the Christian, Jewish, Muslim, Hindu, Atheist, Sikh, and Indifferent public associated Islam with terrorism by repeatedly emphasising the religious dimension of Muslim terrorism in a way they had never done with Christian rape, Jewish child abuse, Atheist murder, Sikh kidnapping, or Hindu shop lifting. When people were going to get killed whilst he was comfortably going to talk about cancelling debt as a smoke-screen for ensuring the continued economic enslavement of Christian and Muslim Africa, the Christian prime minister of the Perfidious Isles was pretty sure that people would make the right connection and blame the crimes on Muslim terrorists.

Arranging for the dramatic events was easy. He had spoken to the Christian director of the London Underground [the subway transport system, not the anarchist opposition to his government] who had previously been the intelligence operations manager of the secret security services of the United Snakes. He told him that he knew people in Power who could run simulation exercises on the day of action which could then be turned into the real thing. This would prevent early detection. Most of the competent police officers would be moved to guard the summit meeting of Christian and Jewish world leaders and only a reduced number would remain in the capital where they would be busy extracting fines from non-denominational motorists. To ensure that the right conclusions were drawn, early on a number of Muslim youngsters in need of extra pocket money would be hired to travel to the locations where the exercises were going to be run. There would be an endless supply of volunteers, because scraping a living was becoming more difficult in this heavily taxed Queendom. However, even the government needed to watch its budget, and so it was decided to hire these people from the poorer North of the country.

When the Christian prime minister was first told during his summit about three explosions on the London underground he thought it was all going to plan, but as time went by he started to worry, because he remembered that there were meant to be four. If any of the Muslim youngsters got back home and spoke about his trip, this would be disastrous. They had been so unsuspecting when they were even kitted out with new oversize Rucksacks to carry, all of them identical. Certain that their task would be completed by mid-afternoon, they had been stupid enough to pay for extended eight-hour parking tickets that morning at the railway station. The Christian prime minister breathed a sigh of relief when finally told that a fourth bomb had gone off an hour later, albeit on a bus. He made a mental note to ask the intelligent head of the Underground about the reason for this change of plan before he proceeded to blabber to the assembled media about not allowing those Muslim terrorists to change our Christian way of life.

Besides this little hiccup everything else seemed to go to plan. The underground explosions were well controlled and contained, so there were no eye witnesses to worry about. The security cameras on the bus were quickly disabled. The Christian bus driver had rambled about having heaved the bodies off his bus and then walked seven miles to a hospital in the opposite direction of his home within an hour, but such confusion could be put down to shock. No other interviews were taken from bystanders, but then the intelligence services started messing things up as usual due to their jealous rivalry. The Jewish Masters of Deception Service had started to boast that they knew all along about what was going to happen and had warned their head of state who, because he was not invited to the summit had conveniently visited London instead. The Christian underground intelligence manager’s friend Peter got onto a Power trip and boasted about his involvement in the early morning simulation exercise, raising alarm bells. The Muslim countries who had been selected to take the blame for brainwashing the Muslim terrorist youths during a holiday mucked up by getting their identities confused, breached the data protection act, and sent the image of a passport around the world which bore the same name as one of the hired youths but belonged to an under-aged Muslim pupil still alive and kicking elsewhere in the Divided Queendom. People started talking and something had to be done.

There had recently been an election where various Jewish, Christian and Atheist party candidates had fought each other bitterly for their share in the government in the Divided Queendom, and the Muslim terror attacks were a welcome opportunity for all of them to shake hands and promise to work together again to bring in tighter control of their own population through new anti-terror laws and identity cards which had so successfully worked in the United Snakes. These laws were necessary to ensure that nobody could object when taxes would be raised once more to pay the politicians higher salaries and award the security firms who had helped them arrange the carnage lucrative contracts to “protect the public”. The Perfidious Isles were known for their astute business people who knew all about creating demand.

During a crisis meeting it was decided that the best way to stop members of the public from talking – seeing that laws to put speed restrictions in place on the Information Super Highway had not yet been enacted – was to erase people’s memory by giving them another shock. A second round of bombings was hastily arranged to take place a fortnight later, but went disastrously wrong. Maybe the Muslim youths who were hired this time became nervous because everybody was watching them and gave them strange looks. Anything could set off hysteria: 20,000 people had been evacuated in a Midland city because someone kept fireworks at home; a train station in another city had been closed and surrounded by police when a train spotter was seen pulling a magazine out of his backpack. Not wanting to fall under suspicion, the Muslim youngsters probably panicked and ran off. Only one of them was tracked down. Plain clothes police in hot pursuit only just caught up with him as he was about to board a train, and they quickly shot him five times at point blank range to make sure he was not going to talk. To make it look less dramatic they then ordered in an air ambulance and asked the medics to try and revive him. It was a Friday, and Muslim preachers up and down the country were talking about “becoming a police state” during their sermons in the mosques, because the laws on the censorship of Friday sermons had also not been enacted yet. The hitherto always reliable Muslim “Muslim Council of Perfidy” (MCP) even talked about a “shoot-to-kill policy”. It was outrageous. The Christian prime minister was faced with the same problem all over again and all the money that had gone into his original plan was wasted as he asked himself once more: “How can we moderate Islam?”